Pimp my Query Letter: Blood and Violets

I was playing with Nathan Bransford's formula for writing queries as a way to get myself started and came up with this. Let me know what you think.

Dear Mr. Bransford:

I first learned of you through your blog. It’s one of the most amusing publishing blogs I’ve read. I chose to submit to you because of your interest in a wide variety of genres and your fantastic sense of humor.

Blood and Violets is a 66,000 word paranormal romance laced with both action and sharp wit. It not only delves into the romance of Marie and Alexander, but chronicles the birth of a group of dark magicians in an internet chat room called Carpe Sanguis who are out to - yes, that's right- "seize the blood" of vampires for their rituals, and their target is Alexander.

Alexander is a vampire who wants to make Marie his protégé. Marie is a snarky Southern girl, who just wants him to let her go home and get back to her normal life. When things heat up between the two of them, it becomes obvious that neither one is going to get exactly what they thought they wanted.

Though there is currently a great deal of vampire romance on the market, there is always room for more that is well written and has fresh ideas. That is especially true when the novel goes far beyond the simple “girl meets vampire - girl swoons at vampire’s feet” formula that is so often used.

The first chapter is available on my website. At your request, a partial or my finished manuscript is ready to be sent to you.

Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

Lesley Speller
http://www.lesleyspeller.com

Comments

Anonymous said…
I know nothing about these kinds of letters, but it looks great to me! Go, girl!
Katie J said…
Hi Lesley! I would consider modifying this: That is simply the fact of the matter. I am trying to think of another way of saying it but it is my bedtime :) Maybe you could mention a favorite post or topic... More later :)
I'd cut the part about this being your first book and being scared of submissions. Who cares? What matters is what's on his desk, in front of him.

And you don't want to seem scared of things, either. Be brave. Nathan doesn't bite.
MsSnarkyPants said…
Susan, thanks for the advice. You're right. It comes off kinda pathetic. LOL I'll just take out that whole paragraph.
MsSnarkyPants said…
Katie, I rephrased it a little. Any better? Thanks!
Julia said…
Looks good to me. I would change the "to submit to" part so that you dont use to twice. Maybe slight rewording, but everything else reads well.
Good letter! Blood and Violets sounds wonderful, Lesley! Interesting premise. :-)

If I was writing the query letter, I’d make just a few modifications in the first paragraph to keep it more professional. Perhaps something like this:

I first learned of you through your blog. It’s one of the wittiest and most amusing publishing blogs I’ve read and it quickly captured my attention. I chose to submit to you because of your stated preference for a wide variety of genres.

I’d definitely axe the part about not trying to butter him up. ;-) But that’s just my opinion, Lesley. What you originally wrote would certainly work too. It all depends on what you’re comfortable with. :-)

--Susan
MsSnarkyPants said…
Julia, hmmmmm, I don't know how to reword it to get rid of to submit to and tell them why I submitted to them...hmmm Will contemplate. Thanks!

Susan, thanks so much! I was going for humor...guess I failed. ;)
Julia Smith said…
I actually think that the second section that mentions Carpe Sanguis is very hook-y. Could that part be moved up earlier in the letter?
MsSnarkyPants said…
Julia, thanks! I think I managed to get it closer to the beginning elegantly. *fingers crossed*

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