Gender Disappointment and a Baby I Hope Isn't Lost Forever

Before I had Nicky, I lost a baby early on. Though I have no reason to, I believe that that baby was a girl. It was too early to have been able to know for sure of course, but you know sometimes a mother just has a feeling. I didn’t have a feeling either way with Nicky, but I was pretty sure from the day I found out I was having him that Finn would a boy. Now let me explain that I have the belief that lost babies get a second chance to be born. I just can't believe in a higher power that wouldn't give them a chance to live. If that clashes with anyone’s religious or personal beliefs, then you may feel free to stop reading now, but that is what I believe. That does not mean that I do not believe in the grief that comes with losing a baby. I do believe in it and have experienced it to the core of my very being.

That being said since I also believe that my first baby was a girl, I have this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that she’s waiting for the right genetic combination to come along before she hops on board again. Sorry if your brothers pushed ahead of you in line. You’ll find they’ll do that all your life… Trust me. ;)

We’re only going to have three children. Bryon only ever wanted two, but I always wanted three. So having Finn was perfect, because now he’s forced to let me try one more time for a girl. ;) We aren’t going to have anymore after that though. For one thing, we’d have to buy a whole new house to be able to fit. Plus something about 4 seems MUCH more daunting to me than three. Don’t ask me why. It just does.

I was talking to my best friend the other day, and saying that I was pretty sure I’d have another boy next time, which for some reason I am. I told her that, that way I wouldn’t be disappointed if I didn’t have a girl. But that’s really not true. I’d still be disappointed, because by the nature of my beliefs if I have another boy then I’ll feel like I lost that first baby all over again. That, of course, wouldn’t mean that I wouldn’t love the baby boy with every fiber of my being because of course I would.

People always seem to judge mothers if they say they want a boy or a girl specifically. The only accepted answer is, “I don’t care as long as it’s healthy.” Well of course you want a healthy baby! Big fat duh! That question should apparently come with the qualification, “assuming it’s healthy, do you want a boy or a girl.” There may be a very complex reason that the mother wants a boy or a girl. Or the father for that matter. Father’s can experience gender disappointment too.

Well I’ll get off my soap box now. What this all boils down to is this:

To my first baby if you haven’t already been born: You’ve got one more shot to pull some cosmic strings to see to it that you get to be a girl. So talk to the powers that be between now and next summer sometime when we’re going to start trying to have you again.

To my blog readers: Next time I get prego and find if it’s a boy or a girl, if it’s a boy I’m going to tell you that I’m perfectly okay with that. I’ll be lying. ;) I’m going to be very sad and disappointed. Don’t judge me for that, because just because I’m mourning the loss of a daughter doesn’t mean I don’t love my baby boy with all my heart.


I hear you. I totally hear you.
Julia said…
I get it. I think your girl has GOT to find a way to be there again!!!! Finger and toes crossed!
Amanda said…
I know exactly what you mean. We were only having two, so when *my* Nicky (aka the Gum Zombie) was revealed to be a boy I was devastated since he was my last shot. I didn't want HIM to be anything other than what he already was, bless his little heart! But oh I wanted my little girl... ah well :)
Lesley Speller said…
It's good to have people who understand me. :-D:-D:-D

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